Making this Chapter better

Caleb is a really neat guy.  He is very smart, very insightful, very sensitive, very compassionate.  The other day we were driving somewhere and I asked him what he thought of everything going on right now, his response "It's a lot, mom".  That's a line he got from his momma.  He then said, "This is a really bad chapter of our lives.  I want to get to the next one and I hope it's a good one.  But I don't think we can get to the next one until we figure out how to make the bad stuff in this one better."  So, that's what I'm doing.  I'm making the "bad stuff" in this chapter better.  

Monday was the explosion that has been building in me since I was 2.  The past two weeks, since getting back home, it was building at a faster pace each day.  It was UGLY.  I literally lost my mind for that day, wanted to go ahead and commit myself to a hospital.  I asked my mom to find something, some Christian place I could go.  I've never felt like a complete mad woman, but I did on Monday.  I had to call for help, which is so hard for me.  I don't trust people.  Not even the ones that are closest to me (I'm just learning this about myself).  I have very good reason (so a pastor told me) to be very suspicious of people, relationships, anything that looks to be good.  

I had to ask family to come get my three youngest children.  I've never felt like a worse person, mother, then when I was packing a bag for my kids.  At first I felt like I was being selfish by doing this.  Once some of the fog passed, I realized it's one of the most selfless things I've done.  I want my kids, I don't want anyone else to have them.  I love them so much it hurts, they bring me so much joy.  But as I looked at each of them and sent them off, I saw all the unique things, special things, individual personalities of them and felt so undeserving and so incredibly blessed to have been entrusted with this precious people.  

Joelle is very compassionate to pain.  Pain of any kind, physical or emotional.  She gets a very grieved look on her face and asks you about your hurt, "Ohhhhh, is it ok?", "Does it hurt?", "Can I kiss it?", "When will it be better?", "I'm sorry you hurt".  When she left Monday she gave me her grieved expression and said "Mommy I hope the boo-boo in your heart gets better.  You are the best mommy in the world".  Monday just got emotionally worse and worse.  Because I had my wisdom teeth pulled, I have a good amount of strong pain killers.  Through sobs I asked my sister to take them out of my room because I knew I was in a bad place, and as humbling as it was, I couldn't trust myself with them.  I prayed, I cried, I read my Bible, I cried, I prayed, I cried, and finally I slept.  

I woke up Tuesday to a better Nikki.  Still broken, but not quite as painful as a few hours before.  So much has happened in the last two days, I couldn't write it all if I wanted to.  I am meeting with a counselor, and a pastor and his wife.  I'm still unsure where I'm putting my foot next, I'm still hurting, I'm still scared shitless, I'm still unsure of what will happen....but I think I see a speck of something that could possible resemble light at the end of this hellish tunnel that began 25 years ago.