This sucks.
I could really just leave it at that. I don't even know why I'm here trying to come up with some coherent thoughts to share with the WWW. I guess I need to know how I'm really feeling, what I ultimately want.
I don't want to hurt, not in the here and now sense, but also in the I've-never-really-been-healed sense. I want the BEST for my children. I want to know God in a real way, I want to believe in His word and His promises. I want to walk in freedom from everything that I've done and from everything done to me. I don't want to be alone.... I want companionship. I want to be loved, to be cherished, to be respected, cared for, protected. I know God provides all this, but since I don't think anyone even reads this I'll be brutally honest, I want this from a man. Here, now, in the tangible. I want to be held at night. I don't want to sleep alone.
So, the question becomes, what do I want more and what am I willing to sacrifice to get that. I'm a "near and now" person. I think that I'm strong...but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to hold out for the bigger picture.
I think I'm doing the right thing, but it hurts like hell. The kids are hurting. My heart is in a million pieces. I'm so torn. day one....
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2 comments:
Proud of you,girl...
Wow. That was so beautiful, deeply honest, raw and pure. Nikki - you ARE strong. Choose to finally embrace that you don't need validation from someone else to feel loved. Love yourself and get to the point where you don't feel the constant need for validation from a man. When you get to that point...everything will change. Focus on you. Focus on your children. Be alone for a while, maybe even a long time. When you get there, good things will happen. I love you.
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