Nik an the kiddos....

Day 3

2011-06-03T09:27:00.002-10:00

All resolve is gone. Somethings going to change, one way or another. I can't stay in this place of limbo. Not sure what direction it'll be, but I'm all or nothing....so, it'll either be that I shut off totally and pack up, move on. Or, I'll fix it to the best of my abilities and make something out of nothing. God, lead my steps.

Day 2....

2011-06-02T14:22:00.003-10:00

It's just "whatever", numb mode. Last night, after my blog, I went into "fix" mode. Going back and forth, unsure what I was doing or what I wanted. Even as things seemed to be mildly better, I was praying in the back of my head that God would not allow things to get fixed. That's pretty messed up, huh?? Actions completely conflicting what my spirit is praying...IN THE SAME MOMENT. Ugh.

And today....? More hurt, less tears, same confusion. It's the "whatever" part I guess. I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. One hour I'm going, the next hour I'm coming. Though the intense tension is gone, there's still no resolution....which is what I ultimately want, but not what I feel like I want in this moment.

Why can't this just be right?? Why can't this be ok for me, and my kids?
Onto another day.

Day One...I guess.

2011-06-01T13:32:00.002-10:00

This sucks.

I could really just leave it at that. I don't even know why I'm here trying to come up with some coherent thoughts to share with the WWW. I guess I need to know how I'm really feeling, what I ultimately want.
I don't want to hurt, not in the here and now sense, but also in the I've-never-really-been-healed sense. I want the BEST for my children. I want to know God in a real way, I want to believe in His word and His promises. I want to walk in freedom from everything that I've done and from everything done to me. I don't want to be alone.... I want companionship. I want to be loved, to be cherished, to be respected, cared for, protected. I know God provides all this, but since I don't think anyone even reads this I'll be brutally honest, I want this from a man. Here, now, in the tangible. I want to be held at night. I don't want to sleep alone.
So, the question becomes, what do I want more and what am I willing to sacrifice to get that. I'm a "near and now" person. I think that I'm strong...but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to hold out for the bigger picture.
I think I'm doing the right thing, but it hurts like hell. The kids are hurting. My heart is in a million pieces. I'm so torn. day one....

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

2010-06-21T04:46:00.002-10:00

I was doing so well with my blogging! Then life happened, and I didn't have anything positive to post :)
Summary.....
Joshua broke his arm about 5 weeks ago. Quite the little ordeal. He fell over the railing of the stairs, on the back porch at my brothers house. I was out for an hour and Roddy called and said josh fell and he thought maybe it was sprained. First off, just the fact that Roddy called, I knew it was bad, he's just not a worrier...at all! The fact he thought it might be sprained, I knew it was broken. So off to Loudoun we went. It was a fairly clean break, they didn't set it at the hospital, just put him in a splint and said to follow up with an orthopedist within a few days. Thankfully we didn't wait, we went Monday. The doctor couldn't believe they didn't set it, then "numbed" Joshy's arm (which consisted of A LOT of injections, too the bone) and after 20 minutes of that, which didn't even numb him, the doctor pulled, yanked, twisted, tugged, bent and turned his little arm for 30 seconds til it POPPED....very loudly. Cast went on, we went home. follow up the following Monday showed no healing whatsoever, but the bone was still intact. Next Monday the Dr said he had some how broken his arm again, while in the cast......Only Josh. He said there is a 5% chance of that happening....Of course we are the 5%. So they set him up for surgery the next AM. Placed a pin in his arm and recasted him. All the while Joelle had gotten really sick, given antibiotics for strep throat. It didn't do anything for her all week. Glands were as swollen as mini golf balls on the side of her neck. Long story short, they began testing for Lymes disease, cancer, lukemia, lupus, and mono. Initial mono test was negative so they sent us to Loudoun for labs and xrays, STAT..... talk about an emotional week! She does have mono, which to second test showed. Explains a lot, she's been so different the last couple months....because she's been sick for a few months! My puppy chewed threw my phone, internet AND cable lines.....got that back up and running! Calebs got poison ivy all over his neck and moving to his face. Cyrah has hit her mouth some many times (on her cousins head, twice! on the curb, on the steps....) that her tooth was quite loose and is now gray. Her toenail finally fell off, from IDK what injury! Cy fed my 8 month old niece some of her peanut butter....of course she is allergic and woke up from her nap looking like Will Smith from Hitch! LOL, been one of those months :)
Fun note, my girlfriend and I have begun a small business making tutus! Check out the website nikandtiff.blogspot.com it's so much fun!
Caleb leaves for Arizona next week....my baby is flying cross country without his mommy!! He's totally excited :) When he gets back, we head to OBX for a week!! A much needed break!
There's always more to write about, but the kids are quiet..... gotta shower while I can! 2 more doctor appts today, hopefully Josh gets good news about the cast coming off~sooooooon!! Keeping this kid still is a JOKE! Not to mention, he "fell" in the pool Saturday and got the cast wet....I think he purposely fell, but what can you do??

This deserves another post!!

2010-04-28T08:38:00.002-10:00

HOLY MOLY!!! I decided to take the "50/50" class today. It's 50% cardio (30 minutes) and 50% resistance training (obviously, 30 more min.). So, I know I'm not in GREAT shape, but I mean...I'm not awful either. I definatly don't sit around all day doing nothing. I don't let much time lapse when I do fall off the workout "band wagon". Last night, I did 55 minutes of straight cardio, kept my heart rate UP, sweating, huffin and pufffin~the whole nine yards! Ok, so 30 minutes, in a class with others to keep you motivated, should be fine. BIG freakin HAHAHA!
OMGoodness. The intructor says she is going to take us up to "zone 3" which is "hard", and a few times push to "zone 4" with is "extremely hard", for brief moments.

So, we start warming up. Again, there are a bunch of women who most certainly take this class regularly and know the steps before she even switches gears. The end of "warm up", I'm feeling like I'm in the zone 3, but hanging in there, keeping up with the special little moves. However, very quickly after that, I'm feeling like I'm in this zone 4 and my heart is RACING, face is red as a tomato, sweating and panting. I'm starting to slow down, and not just my speed, but my mental capacity to do these stupid little choreographed movements. Totally looking like the uncoordinated white girl, up in the front for everyone to see. I'm honestly battling in my mind, which is worse ~ jumping around like a wounded animal or packing up and walking out in front of everyone. I convince myself that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of my ridiculous movements (IF they even notice at all), that I'm getting a good workout (from hell) and that I'll be proud of myself afterwards. I keep pushing through, doing some of her "modified" options (and still wondering why everyone else is all chipper and limber). Then she says we're going to zone 4...I'm thinking "WHAAAAAAAT?! There's NO WAY this isn't zone 4" (and get this....there's a flipping zone 5?!). Yeeeeaaaaaa, so I think I was seconds away from a stroke at the end, at the end of only THIRTY minutes! The second half, resistance, was fine. I have the muscle, but I guess smoking has really done a number on my lungs.
I'm pooped. Nap time for me :)

So sore..

2010-04-28T03:49:00.002-10:00

I love the feeling of sore muscles :) I've been going to the gym and pushing myself....hopefully I will see the results I want...not just a "healthy heart"! The hot yoga is soooo awesome! It's a total butt-kicker, but you feel AWESOME afterwards. I also took a barbell strength class, that was intimidating. It was more then half full when I got there, 15 minutes early. Everyone had their mat, step-stool thingy, barbell with weights and hand weights. All these women knew each other and are all talking about what happened at this get-together or that one. I was ready to high tail it outta there, felt like I stepped into HS cliches! I don't know why, at 27, that was so intimidating to me. I stayed, did the class, got my butt handed to me and am very sore for it!

Caleb has his firts big field trip this Friday, going to Jamestown! He and Roddy leave at 5:30 AM! They will get back around 9PM, I'm kinda jealous....wish I could go, but there are still too many little ones at home. Saturday is Ronn's family reunions,semi-annual Atlantic City trip. The three little kids are going with grandma and grandpa for the weekend, b/c of Calebs field trip, he's going with a friend of mine on Saturday. I'm looking forward to it, should be a fun weekend :)

Trying to get myself into some kind of routine, that includes the gym and keeping the house running clean and smooth. Part of this means that the kids really need to have a chore chart. I CANNOT keep up with four kids' messes. I end up uber frustrated and constantly cleaning. Just googled "mulitple children chore charts", got a few good templates. Now I need a printer :) I am doing too much of their cleaning, and they aren't learning anything about cleaning up after themselves and I'm way too exhausted at the end of the day (not to mention, I just can't do it all). Any other suggestions?? Any good, healthy and QUICK dinner recipes?? I feel like every so often I need a new updated, schedule for life! Right now, I'm overwhelmed with it all. I want my kids to have more one-on-one time with me. I want them to help keep up with their rooms/bathroom/playroom. I want to do a better job with getting dinner done at a reasonable hour (though this conflicts with a lot of the gym classes). I want to eat healthier and be more active. I just need a life planner, and someone who can come in, organize my house and schedule and then I just have to keep up with it! I could do this so easily for someone else, but doing it for myself is such a challenge! Ugh...I needed to vent all that! Now maybe I can do something with it, since it's out of my head.

It's FRIDAY!!

2010-04-23T03:52:00.002-10:00

I am so grateful that I'm able to do daycare, which allows me to stay home with my own babies.....HOWEVER....Friday is sooo sweet :) I then have the weekend with just MY babies, I need it and they do too. Although this weekend my goal is to find more out-of-home activites for them. So, I'm making a trip to the library to see what they offer, as well as the community center and Claude Moore Park. I can't believe that Cy will be in pre school in the fall.....I'm going to take a class, or two, at NOVA. Hoping to get my feet wet. Then next fall, Jo Jo will be in kindergarden and Cy in full week of prek, I'm going to jump in and go to school full time. Hoping that by the end of 2013 to be an RN. At that point all the kids will be in school full time :( I can do a 7-3 shift at the hospital and still not miss out on my kids. I can't believe that I'll be able to volunteer in their classes and be more involved in school functions! That's exciting!

Whelp, for today, it's naps and gym time!

productive morning~love my job:)

2010-04-19T05:50:00.003-10:00

Some mornings I'm soooo lazy and dread all the household chores, then days like today, I am like the energizer bunny! My mental list keeps growing as I cross one things off, and I get so excited thinking how much I can accomplish! I know, I'm a dork :P I have gotten 4 loads of laundry done, vacuumed up and downstairs, swept/mopped the downstairs, cleaned the kitchen, fed kids breakfast, snack and lunch, put 3 kids down for naps and getting ready to clean the couches (again! b/c the puppy got into about 15 bags of oatmeal and opened some ON my couch :( ). Now, I haven't showered, brushed my teeth, or even put on a bra~but hey, I got a lotta other stuff done!

This week is filled with dentist appointments and soccer practices, hoping to squeeze in 4 trips to the gym. Work has picked up for Roddy, so that means doing most of it on my own...sooo much fun with 6 kids!! I started the atkins approach again today, I've gotten outta control with my carb (mainly sweets and junk food) intake. I'm still doing really well with the smoking bit, though I almost caved and bought a pack at 10 o'clock last night:P

I found my camera!! So, I can start posting pictures again~woo hoo!

Sundays

2010-04-18T14:07:00.002-10:00

On happier notes, to start: Boys had great games yesterday! Joshua scored his first goal, oh my goodness! It was the most PRECIOUS moment ever! Sheer joy on his face :) My grandparents, mom and best friend came with us and got to see it also. It's been nice seeing the g-parents this weekend, has been almost 2 years before this, and lets face it....they won't be here forever :( I realized that more this visit then ever before. They seem tired so much more quickly, and when they get tired, they realllly Look TIRED! It saddens me to think of a day that they won't be here. Also inspires me to make a more diligent effort to stay in better contact with them.

On poopier notes, what's with me and Sundays?? I go to church and it seems that my day just goes to crap. I know, the obvious, opposition from the enemy, but this is so ridiculous. It's like my most aweful day of the week. I could just go to bed afterwards, seriously depressing.

Joined a GREAT resort-like gym, looking forward to diving into one of the zillion classes they offer, including......drum roll please, HOT YOGA!!

nothing new....

2010-04-16T11:50:00.002-10:00

I would "like" to stay in the habit of updating semi-regularly, so though I have nothing much to say...here's my blog:P

This week has been SLOW! Feels like groundhogs day! Cleaning and kids; all day, every day! I gave in and smoked yesterday, it was gross and great all at one :/
Hoping to take the kids to the fair this evening, if these storm clouds hold off (not looking real good!). Boys have soccer games tomorrow, grandparents are in town for the weekend, looking for some down time with my 4-pack (kiddos) this weekend!
Side note~I'm not sure that I'm cut out for parenting the pre-teens/teens......any pointers?! I've got a pretty good grasp on the 10 and below ages...but this is a WHOLE NEW WORLD!!! Help ! How do you parent~and parent WELL, and yet still enjoy each others company??

5 days and no smoking!

2010-04-12T03:32:00.002-10:00

I haven't cracked...no cigarettes and I haven't chopped off anyones head! Success! I don't want to gain 15 lbs though, so I'm back to the no/low carb thing. It's made me a little more OCD then usual with the cleaning/laundry. That's not a bad thing :) I started reading "Captivating" again, definatly finding myself in it all over again. It's a great book, pretty sure every woman could relate.
This weekend the boys had their first soccer games, it was a lot of fun, and they both won! Caleb's "girlfriend"-thingy is driving me NUTS!! HOLY MOLY~just checked his phone account, his texts from THIS weekend alone is "500". Houston, we have a problem. I don't think this little girls parents are as active as they should be. I keep saying to him, and myself, "this is all new to me, I have NO idea how to parent a preteen boy, bare with me, I'm gonna screw this up at times"..... He's pretty open with me and talks a lot, if we can keep that going I know it'll make all the difference in the world.

Quit

2010-04-09T03:13:00.002-10:00

So, I haven't had a cigarette in almost 48 hours! Yesterday was rough, but today seems better! That will help save money and I'll be healthier. Win win! I do want to lose about 5 lbs and tone up, started doing P90X, but something always comes up~like puking/pooping family! Caleb got the stomach bug, too. His was MILD compared to the three little ones. Roddy got it yesterday and has been sweating bullets and then the chills, on top of the stomach issues :( So far, nothing for me! Funny how mommas rarely get the sickness.

I have an INSANE amount of laundry and cleaning to catch up on, plus I have Laylah and Jasiah today~but it's FRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!

I knew I wasn't a blogger!

2010-04-07T04:44:00.003-10:00

I love the idea of this blog thing....love reading others blogs, and feeling connected to their lives, yet actually sitting down and doing this regularly...hmmm, hasn't happened! Then, the longer it's been since I blogged, the more there is to write about. The problem with that, I get overwhelmed, don't know where to start and therefore write nothing!
Life right now:
The boys are in soccer, this is the first week. Caleb isn't too thrilled about it, but it'll be good for him. Josh is SUPER excited! Josh is excited about most anything, Caleb is hitting this pre-teen, hormonal, moody thing. He also has a "girlfriend". Not sure how I feel about this whole thing. Well, actually I do know how I feel about it, I don't like it! I'm very grateful that he is open and talking to me about every detail though. If we can just maintain this relationship, I'll be thrilled!

Cyrah just got over a nasty stomach bug, I've never seen a kid puke that much! It was disgustingly impressive! She also has a really badly infected toe. No idea how she scrapped it, neither does she. Her senses don't work the way most kids do. She doesn't feel a lot of pain, she has wacked out taste buds too. Her toe is finally beginning to heal, but it was really nasty. She turned 3, and is pretty happy about being a "big girl", trying to use that to get her to stop sucking her thumb~not going well!

Joelle is doing awesome in preschool, she is signed up for 5 days next year! Then off to school :( So sad, they are all growing up too quickly!

3 hours later.... kids were crying and hungry. Ran to Walmart, now I have Joshua puking and Joelle complaining of her belly hurting :( No rest for the weary!

Time is flying!

2009-11-03T07:36:00.003-10:00

Fall is whirling past me! Kids are all settled into school and different sports/activities. We just had parent/teacher conferences yesterday. Caleb is doing great, all A's, one B and a C in math. The goal is a C+ or B in Math next quarter! He has his playoff game this weekend, and WHEN they win, Championship the next week! He's such a great kid, I love just talking with him and hearing his thoughts and feelings~those of you who know Caleb know it's a privilege for him to actually really open up. His teacher even said she feels he has a wall up towards people. Can't really blame him, we have been though a lot in the last 10 years.
Joshua's teacher said that he is doing very well, scoring above where he needs to be in every area, but one. He thrives off encouragement (no news there!), and gets very down on himself when he isn't able to complete his work the way he wants to. He's making friends and loves to tell everyone stories from Hawaii on their breaks.

I am still looking for a job, had a phone interview with Jetblue and really believing I will hear something back from them. I LOVED working for the airlines before, not to mention the free flights!

I'm still getting really overwhelmed most days, but am trying to remember that it's one day at a time, one choice at a time. I really have no idea what next year, or month, or even week, will bring.
"But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own."
I was doing what I do best last night, worrying! I start with something small, like one of the negative comments from the teachers and then I worry about how I am as a mom, or how the kids treat each other and what issues they will have when they grow up, and what should my main focus be, what is the most important thing I want to instill in them, what should each days focus be....Then I remembered the verse in Matthew. So for today, I'm pursing God. I might fail tomorrow, but Today, I'm making this choice.

My prayer is that God would open doors for my family. Doors that are so obviously opened by Him, that I will have no doubt about where to place my next step!

Football, Basketball, Ballet...Oh my!

2009-09-26T05:16:00.002-10:00

This is a season of fun insanity! Caleb has begun the fourth grade and is doing very well. He gets a good amount of homework every day, which he is great about getting done asap. He is playing football for Reston Seahawks! Playing center and defensive end, so much fun to watch! He is very good at it too!
Joshua is in school! The big K! He LOVESSSS it! Very dramatic about all the "hard work", but would melt at the idea of missing a day. His teacher just adores him and tells me every chance she can! They get a color each day, depending on how many times they are spoken too, or reminded to do something (sit still, be quiet, line up, pay attention...) and Mrs. Rice said at this age a perfect "purple" day is near impossible to obtain because it means they weren't spoken to even once! Joshua has very proudly gotten almost all purples....lets just get this rolling at home now! He's taking instructional basketball at the Y on Saturdays (right about Caleb's game time.. :( )
Joelle is in prek, Tuesday and Thursdays, at Calebs old preschool. Her Teacher is Ms. Gail and Joey feels SO grown up going to school! We have our first field trip, to Cox Farm, next week:) She is also doing Ballet on Fridays, of course this is RIGHT up her princess alley! She has one of my friends daughters in her class and they have had a couple of play dates, a new thing for her!

Cyrah....Highly put out that she isn't in school and doesn't have a book bag! BUT...she is POTTY TRAINED!!! No diapers (except at night and nap)! WOOO HOOO! She is doing so awesome with it, it just clicked one day last week! She is also doing gymnastics at the YMCA once a week. She is talking more and more, it's so neat!
Yesterday I became an Auntie again! Laylah Morgan, born at 7:33PM, 7lbs 20 1/2 inches. SOOO sweet!!
Today I'm off to pick up my dad for the night. He is in a semi nursing home-thingy, in DC. He's coming to stay the night and come to Calebs football game tomorrow! The kids and I are really excited:P

That's life right now, I know I'm forgetting something.....Story of my life right now, though!

A gap

2009-07-30T05:18:00.003-10:00

I have actually blogged TWICE since the last one, however in my absent-mindedness (is that a word??) I didn't actually POST and they got deleted:(
I'm hoping this one goes through...maybe if I slow down for 2 seconds I will be a little more aware of the button I'm clicking:)
Life seems to be on fast-forward. I can't believe July is done and we are coming into August!
I just got a single-family home with my sister and my sister-in-law (Nates sons mom). Three single mommys and 7 babies! Oh, there will be things to blog about! Though we signed our lease over 2 WEEKS ago, we have yet to actually move in. Plumbing is a BIG issue, the AC has been on the fritz, the attic fan was replaced, the outlets in some rooms weren't working...just to name a few!

Caleb is in football, already did his week of camp. He really enjoys it! I can't believe he's going into 4th grade and turning 10 this fall:( His hair is still growing, and it doesn't seem like he has any plans of cutting it....wonder how long this phase will go?! He's on his own little health kick, he isn't eating any junk food. No candy, or sweets. It's self-imposed and I wish I had HALF his dicipline!

Joshy is Mo-hawk free:( It was SO stinkin cute....until he slept with gum in his hair! Out came the clippers! He is going to kindergarden in another month and VERY excited about it. He got a concussion a few weeks back, really scared this momma! After two hours of total confusion, A LOT of vomitting and dilated eyes, he just snapped out of it. I'm sure it was all the family he had praying for him. Once he was ok, he flirted with his nurse and had both of us rolling with laughter!

Joelle is my little diva. She is all girl, everything is a princess adventure and I'm always reminded that I'm the queen :P She is everything I thought having a little girl would be. Pink, princess, fairy tales, dolls, dresses, hair, nails...the whole shabang! I love it. I found a great ballet class for her and Cyrah to start in September, of course she is stoked!

Cyrah...oh, my Cy! She is the sweetest little package ever, and can reak more havoc on a day then all three of the others combined! She is so completely different then her sister. I am thinking of putting her into gymnastics, she is more flexible then any kid I've seen. She can balance on anything, spinning doesn't make her dizzy, she can climb up the most random things! She is a neat little girl with the biggest smile ever!

Me~ well...I'm thinking of taking classes sometime in the near future. Anyone know anything about grants or scholarships? I'm going to visit AZ next week, for a much needed get away weekend. I have to potty-train my last baby! Bitter-sweet...No more buying pampers! EVER! But it's the last baby :( I wish I could've had 2 more babies! I know, crazy.

Making this Chapter better

2009-05-07T05:44:00.003-10:00

Caleb is a really neat guy. He is very smart, very insightful, very sensitive, very compassionate. The other day we were driving somewhere and I asked him what he thought of everything going on right now, his response "It's a lot, mom". That's a line he got from his momma. He then said, "This is a really bad chapter of our lives. I want to get to the next one and I hope it's a good one. But I don't think we can get to the next one until we figure out how to make the bad stuff in this one better." So, that's what I'm doing. I'm making the "bad stuff" in this chapter better.

Monday was the explosion that has been building in me since I was 2. The past two weeks, since getting back home, it was building at a faster pace each day. It was UGLY. I literally lost my mind for that day, wanted to go ahead and commit myself to a hospital. I asked my mom to find something, some Christian place I could go. I've never felt like a complete mad woman, but I did on Monday. I had to call for help, which is so hard for me. I don't trust people. Not even the ones that are closest to me (I'm just learning this about myself). I have very good reason (so a pastor told me) to be very suspicious of people, relationships, anything that looks to be good.

I had to ask family to come get my three youngest children. I've never felt like a worse person, mother, then when I was packing a bag for my kids. At first I felt like I was being selfish by doing this. Once some of the fog passed, I realized it's one of the most selfless things I've done. I want my kids, I don't want anyone else to have them. I love them so much it hurts, they bring me so much joy. But as I looked at each of them and sent them off, I saw all the unique things, special things, individual personalities of them and felt so undeserving and so incredibly blessed to have been entrusted with this precious people.

Joelle is very compassionate to pain. Pain of any kind, physical or emotional. She gets a very grieved look on her face and asks you about your hurt, "Ohhhhh, is it ok?", "Does it hurt?", "Can I kiss it?", "When will it be better?", "I'm sorry you hurt". When she left Monday she gave me her grieved expression and said "Mommy I hope the boo-boo in your heart gets better. You are the best mommy in the world". Monday just got emotionally worse and worse. Because I had my wisdom teeth pulled, I have a good amount of strong pain killers. Through sobs I asked my sister to take them out of my room because I knew I was in a bad place, and as humbling as it was, I couldn't trust myself with them. I prayed, I cried, I read my Bible, I cried, I prayed, I cried, and finally I slept.

I woke up Tuesday to a better Nikki. Still broken, but not quite as painful as a few hours before. So much has happened in the last two days, I couldn't write it all if I wanted to. I am meeting with a counselor, and a pastor and his wife. I'm still unsure where I'm putting my foot next, I'm still hurting, I'm still scared shitless, I'm still unsure of what will happen....but I think I see a speck of something that could possible resemble light at the end of this hellish tunnel that began 25 years ago.

Wisdom teeth

2009-05-01T15:10:00.003-10:00

Bare with me on this post.....I'm a little drugged. After putting this off for five years, I finally got my wisdom teeth pulled. I had them knock me out, I know...I'm a wuss! My face hurts from my jaw to my forehead, not fun! Whenever I'm in pain like this, it makes me realize how I take every other day for granted. Days that I am in pain, or sick, even the smallest tasks are such a challenge!

It's taken me forever to type just this....so that's all.

Made it

2009-04-25T12:11:00.002-10:00

Woah. Here we are. Yet another move! I am so grateful that our trip was safe an uneventful, the kids did great (99% of it at least). We got in Friday afternoon after 15 hours of travel. Emotions were completely outta control. I was beyond exhausted and having VERY mixed feelings about everything. I absolutely ADORE my family and love the time we have together, I want the cousins to know each other an grow up together. But, I'm 26 with 4 kids...at home again, don't know that I'm ok with this. I know it's temporary, but still. Seth went to the court house yesterday and finished all the paper work, he let me know within a month I'll officially be Ms. Donofrio again. The feeling of failure was huge. I miss our life in Hawaii. I defintely see us back there at some point.

I feel a little lost right now, not sure where to put my foot next. I am here for at least a few months, then I'm not sure!

I am going to try to post more blogs, I need to get my thoughts out some how. This is the most difficult time of my life thus far. I really hope this is the most difficult it will ever be.

Movement

2009-04-20T07:04:00.002-10:00

I have not been so great about bloggin lately. Life has been on fast forward and I'm just trying to keep up. Pretty much everyone knows that Seth an I are getting divorced, it's about 5 weeks out I think. For the most part we work together civilally. Sometimes, not so much. Due to our most recent blow out, the kids and I are moving back to VA. Without going into the long story of it all, we have come up with a few agreements, one of which is us moving back home.
I'm really conflicted. We LOVE it here. For a million reasons we want to stay. For now we are going to stay with my folks. We might just go home for the summer and then try to come back before school in the fall. I want to go home an have time to clear my head, really find out what God wants us to do. I want to make the right decision. I honestly don't know what that is yet.
I'm looking forward to being close to my family! Keep us in your prayers....

Question.....

2009-04-14T13:23:00.002-10:00

Does every person get to the end of themselves? What does that look like? How does it feel? I think I have gotten close, numerous times, but self preservation kicks in an I back away from the edge. Do I have to get to that point for me to change? How close to that point have I ever been?

My baby is 2!!

2009-03-23T21:05:00.002-10:00

I can't believe my youngest is 2 years old, and I'm not pregnant or ever going to be again!! That is very weird to me. She is such a handful though, I don't know that I could've handled having another kid after her! She is truly amazing, she is the busiest kid I know. She gets into more then all 3 of the other kids combined. She can be so incredibly sweet, her face is so tiny an innocent looking! Her voice is so cute, and when she says a new word it's just so precious you can't help but smile. I do have my hands full with this one though, some days I think it's too much!
One on one she does awesome! She loves Caleb and he is so great with her! She loves the beach, an the park.....anything outside for that matter! Very active and friendly!
Her and Jasiah are double trouble :) They get into so much together, I have a feeling they are going to be very close growing up! If any of you have facebook you can see pictures of the baking soda incident...or the pumpkin pie that Cyrah pulled out of the fridge for the two of them to share! I can't wait to see how her little personality develops over the next year.

My Lip :(

2009-01-28T14:12:00.004-10:00

So, about 3 months ago I had a very small, red dot appear on my upper lip. It looked almost like a blood blister. Well, anyone that knows me, knows that I HAD to pick at it. It grew. It would bleed for an hour or two, and then grow some more. Very weird looking, as it grew it looked like a wart. I went to the Dermatologist (who had some grand term for it) and he said that he wanted to remove it and make sure it was benign. I thought it would just be a simple thing, no big deal. I scheduled for yesterday at 1:30 so I had plenty of time to make it to work. Ya, I don't know what I was thinking! I went in and the numbed it (which hurt SO incredibly bad), then "punched" (like a cookie cutter) it out. It wouldn't stop bleeding, they cauterized it several time (since it's near my NOSE, I could SMELL my flesh burning and HEAR it....EW). It still bleed, so I got a few stitches (which he said could make my lips uneven). After an hour (which was supposed to be 20-30 min procedure) I looked in the mirror. Oh MY! I don't know if I can do justice in trying to explain what it looked like. As I am writing this I am contemplating whether or not to post a picture, because it is SO ugly! So, I go to work and the sent me home, with high hopes of me returning tonight......I still look ridiculous.

I will have to ride my bike in town and see what they say about me working.

This picture of Cyrah and I is one of my new favorites, and you can see the small bump on my upper lip.

Here is a link if you wanna see a picture....this picture doesn't do the lip justice

http://pictures.sprintpcs.com/share.do?invite=sECr2WztPkY2B78ha7Wk&shareName=MMS&messageState=RETRIEVED

Beach Babies

2009-01-23T11:23:00.007-10:00

A few recent pictures of the kiddos. We have been really busy lately, trying to get the kids out and keep the occupied during the day. The beach is, by far, our favorite thing to do. It's so much fun AND it's FREE! Not to mention, it tires them out really well...makes for a happy momma! Things are going very well! I know that most of you are aware that Seth moved out, but considering the circumstances, things are good. Thanks for all the love, concern and support everyone has shown.

This is Joey and her friend Brooklyn, Joelle loves this little girl!

Nat, Joelle and I at Halona Lookout, it was BEAUTIFUL!

This LITTLE figures at the top, that's my sons.....

I was at the bottom losing my mind :)

One Shaka n a Smile..

My beautiful Cy Bear, with her first pig-tails!

My J babies lovin each other

She LOOKS so innocent....

My Day....

2009-01-22T23:00:00.001-10:00

I took this from Heather.....This is my life, like Ground Hogs day!!

Life of a Mom....Recently, I was diagnosed with CAADD – Child Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to do the laundry. As I start toward the laundry room, I notice that there are cheerios all over the floor and my car keys are in the cereal bowl.

I decide to pick up the cheerios before I do the laundry. I lay my car keys down on the counter, put the cheerios in the trash can under the counter, and notice that the trash can is full.

So I decide to take out the trash. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mail box when I take out the trash I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left, my extra checks are in my desk in the office/playroom, so I go to my desk where I find a sippy cup full of juice.I'm going to look for my checks, but first I decide I should put the sippy cup in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the sippy cup a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - - they need to be watered.I set the sippy cup on the counter, and I discover baby wipes that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I'd better put them back in the bathroom, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the wipes back down, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote, one of the kids left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that after school when they go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote as they fight over who lost it, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So I set the remote back down, get some paper towels and wipe up the spill.Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: The laundry isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm cup of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find the wipes, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh – if this isn't you yet, your day is coming...

New Day

2009-01-15T11:37:00.003-10:00

Today is a new day :) Sorry for the gloomy post the other day. Thanks Leah for your encouraging words!
Work has been soooo slow this week. I'm hoping tonight and tomorrow night are crazy busy, to make up for the lack of business earlier. Last night it was slow, I think because of the weather. It was so windy, I was freezing. I sent my friend to the store to buy me a sweatshirt, that only slightly helped. The news said "Tropical Winds", so we call looked like we were running through a wind tunnel for the whole shift. I hope tonight is warmer :P

This too shall pass.....

2009-01-12T16:46:00.001-10:00

I'm I the only one? Does anyone else have days they just want to quit? Where the lemons of life are too much, and you're sick of lemonade?? I am sure things will get better, but today I feel somewhat defeated.

Joey Jane!

2009-01-11T18:58:00.004-10:00

Not too much new going on, just thought I'd post some pictures!

Joelle and Siah came to visit me at work!

Here are some awesome pics natty took the other night! Joelle is too stinkin cute :)

More Photos...

2009-01-05T08:45:00.003-10:00

Here's a few more pictures....a few of me, just for you Heather! Not the most flattering, but there they are! I'll have Natty take some of me, maybe she'll find me when I'm not in work clothes, PJ's, or a bathing suit....HA, fat chance :)

I was passed out, little man loves his Auntie!

My Princess put her bathing suit on backwards.....Very cute little bottom though!

Then there is THIS princess, covered in marker.....

Can you only add a certain amount of photos to one post??

Caleb on Unkl Daves boat, pulling the sails up

Joshy and the Mohawk!

My little men

Another Christmas Eve pic of our crew

Bubba and his sissy's

I love this picture!

Some pics...

2009-01-05T08:34:00.003-10:00

A few pictures! Thanks Heather :)

Here's little scooter man!

This is "Beauty", as in Sleeping Beauty.

Christmas Eve in their new PJ's

Order is backwards, this is them opening their PJ's

One of the daily occurrences in Hawai'i

Tid-Bits :)

2008-12-26T14:28:00.003-10:00

Our lives are so full right now! Not posting for 2 weeks feels like a huge gap is missing in the time line, b/c so much occurs! So a quick outline!

~Josh has a sweet mo-hawk now (pics will go up once i figure it out!)
~I am still loving my job~even got a $123.00 tip on a $97 bill!!
~Jasiah is changing everyday, even tries to comb his little fro now!
~Cyrah is hitting the "2's" very strong!
~Caleb has been able to go out and spend a couple days on the boat with unkl dave, getting darker skin and lighter, longer hair!
~Joelle said she wanted diamonds for Christmas....need I say more?? She did get a shirt from her granddaddy that said "Go ahead and push me around, but you need to know I've got the biggest, baddest Granddaddy in town". When asked what her shirt said, her response was "My granddaddy said 'if you mess with my little girl, i will PUNCH you in da face!' "
~Christmas was awesome, the kids faces were priceless
~We had a couple of Seth's work buddies over and played games after our VERY informal Christmas dinner!
~We found a church that we like, it's 2 minutes from the house

I think that's the gist of life right now!

My Joshy

2008-12-13T09:29:00.002-10:00

I wish I would've started blogging sooner, my son says so many things that are hilarious and so out there! The Latest Josh-isims:

So I was reading them a story out of the Childrens Bible and he say a picture of "Jesus". He asked if that was Jesus, and said that is not what he thought he looked like. I told him it was just how the illustrated pictured Jesus, and not necessarily what he actually looked like. Curious, I asked what he thought Jesus looked like and this was his answer "I think it's like, if you take a stocking and tear it in half and then mix all the colors in. Then you make it into and angel and RIP the wings off. Yea momma, that's what my Jesus looks like."
Pretty imaginative little man :)
Last night was our Christmas Cookie/Movie night. Caleb, Joelle and I were on Team Peanut Butter Kisses. Joelle unwrapped every single chocolate kiss and didn't eat any! I was pleasantly SHOCKED! Then Josh and Daddy (Cy was alseep) were on Team "Snorkerdoodle". Yup, that would be the Bendix version of Snickerdoodle. And it was wasn't complete until Joshua could make one cookie a "snake-erdoodle" shape instead of the round ball. The night was complete with watching Santa Clause in my bed with milk and cookies !

Christmas.....

2008-12-12T09:15:00.002-10:00

This is going to be (already is) a very different Christmas. The warm weather and sunshine make us feel like it's July/Aug. It's been very hard to get into the Christmas Spirit. I feel like we put a tree in our house in the dead of summer and strung lights! I think that this is actually a blessing. One reason is I feel like I am looking for more ways to celebrate this season with my family, putting forth an extra effort that isn't normally there. in order to feel the warmth of the spirit of Christmas. Another reason is, I don't feel like I need to get my kids every gift I can afford. This will be a simple Christmas and I'm so excited about that! Last night we decorated our very first gingerbread house as a family! I read the story of Jesus' birth to the kids and let them act it out with our wooden nativity people. They loved it! It was so simple, and it was the time we spent on the floor together that they loved.
I'm so grateful for all four of my little blessings. I'm thankful for the man God gave me to walk this journey called life with. I'm thankful for second chances. I'm grateful that I am so privileged as to have the opportunity to create memories and traditions for my next generation.
I read a blog of a great family friend, as she wrote of her Christmas with her family (the Ayers!!) I had Seth read it and I told him "This is what I want our children to say of our time together". I want them to truly cherish the memories and want to duplicate it in their lives long after they are out of our home. I want my children to grow up with a passion for family.
If anyone has any traditions or ideas to make this Season even more special, please share them!

I hope that you are able to find new ways to celebrate this season with your family :)

Another day, soon another dollar!

2008-12-10T23:06:00.002-10:00

Training is over! Woo-hoo! Tomorrow is my first night having my own section, where I earn the tips. I'm very excited to have some cash....my mind is already going in so many different directions about what I want to do with it and the things I want to pay off, or save for. But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, I need to actually begin working for the money before I start spending it:)

I just need to say for the um-teenth time that I love it here! I really believe we have been placed here for a reason. So many things are falling into place that have seemed to out of place in our lives. I'm inspired to get organized and be productive! But one of the greatest blessings thus far is my neighbor. She is in my life now for however long the army allows it, and already in 2 weeks I know I needed to meet her. She has a great spirit and she is already challenging me in my Christianity. I can't wait to see how much I grow as a result of having met her.

Working Out of the Home Mommas....

2008-12-08T13:39:00.003-10:00

Alright, any mom that works full-time out of the home and keeps up with her house and kids is super woman! Seriously! And add to that, a single mom. I know I have been a single mom on a few occasions, but I don't remember how! I'm working part-time and feel like a chicken with my head cut off (and with a cluttered, unpacked house!).

All of that aside, I realllllly love this job! It's so beautiful, it's the second story of a hotel over looking Kuhio Beach. The sunset every night is amazing! And at some points, the moon reflects over the ocean and it is so cool. I love being outside, it's like getting the patio section in the summer~every shift! The people are so much fun, there are new faces every day. Toursists from all over the world with different accents, looks, ways of life! It's so diverse and fun. Can you tell I like my job?!

Seth is in the field this week, so Natty and I are holding down the fort! Could be interesting, we work different shifts, all except for Thursday night. Unkl Dave is gonna stay with the kids that night. Nat doesn't work until 10pm, so it'll just be sleeping babies.
Living and Loving Life!

Unkl Tony...

2008-12-05T00:01:00.002-10:00

So basically, my son is one of the best ever! Not that I'm biased :P

Caleb has always had a very sensitive, compassionate side. He is very caring and genuinely wants others to do well and be happy. His most recent act is no different, though he never ceases to amaze me. I'm sure most of you have seen the "HI-5" on your coke cans and glass bottles....meaning you get .05cents in HI for recycling them. Well, Seth and I said that Caleb could have all our can/glasses and get the money for them. Because of the amount we go through, he can make some decent pocket change. Instead, Cay Cay decided to bring them into Waikiki and give them to someone homeless. So last Sunday we drove in for a family day at the beach and he was SO excited to bring his cans and find someone to give them to. The first man he came across, he walked up and told him that he had cans and that he'd like to give them to him. Of course the man was very grateful and even said "I was hoping someone would bring me some cans!". This made Calebs day! On the way back from the beach the man was still in the same spot. So, Caleb walked up and introduced himself. The man is Unkl Tony. Caleb asked if he was in this spot often, Unkl Tony said that yes, he lived there. This broke Calebs heart, but still asked could he bring him more cans. Unkl Tony of course said yes, with much gratitude!
Caleb has been collecting cans, even finding littered cans in the mud and bringing them home.

My job, at Tiki's, is literally right across the street from Unkl Tonys spot. Yesterday I got to work really early and bought him a sandwich, fruit and some juice and went over to introduce myself. I told him I was Calebs mom and that Caleb was collecting more cans for him. I got to talk with him for almost 30 minutes. He got a little misty eyed, simply because I smiled at him. He said "1000 people walk by me every day, maybe one will smile". It meant so much to him. Quite humbling. We ended our talk simply by saying that we look forward to getting to know one another better. I had planned on seeing him before work today, but with traffic I barely made it in on time. I was really bummed! Either tomorrow or Saturday we will make another trip. I really wonder what kind of friendship this will blossom into!

Oh, I VERY much enjoy my job :)

I Gotta Job!

2008-12-01T16:18:00.002-10:00

So, If our lives weren't crazy enough, they will be now! I got hired today, at Tiki's Grill and Bar in Waikiki! I'm really excited, I love the people an the location is on the beach! I begin on Wednesday and will probably work 4-5 shifts a week. It's a cocktail server, so it's only night shifts. That way I still have the days with the kids. It's an outdoor place and you get to watch the sunset every night. They have live music every night of the week, and they have Tiki Torches lighting the balcony. It's so pretty! I also met a really neat girl named Ashley, she is going to show us a church she found called "One Love". I'm looking forward to meeting new people and making a little extra $$ doing it!

Everyone needs to come visit!!

2008-11-30T20:19:00.001-10:00

See! I told ya I wasn't a blogger:P I'm gonna try again! We are now stationed in Hawai'i and we absolutely LOVE IT!! We stayed in a hotel for the first two weeks (all 8 of us), which was a little challenging! We moved into our home two weeks ago, and our House Hold Goods get delivered on Tuesday! We have an older 4 bedroom home, in the middle of an old volcano, it's awesome! There are so many kids for all of ours to play with! Caleb started school last week, at Mokulele Elementary. Joshy is going to a preschool, our neighbor (who I already think is AWESOME!) does a co-op Pre-K with 5 other moms. So they let us jump in and he loves it (maybe because he loves the neighbors little girl, Brooklyn!).

Natalie got two jobs, she is working at Guess? and Da Big Kahuna! I have a third interview at Tiki's Grill and Bar tomorrow AM. Seth is just about done in processing, and will begin working soon (which he is VERY ready for!). We have had plenty of beach time, all the kids have quickly adapted and become sandy little surfer babes! Caleb's hair is growing out, it's blond and he gets darker every day! Cyrah has finally developed a little more respect for the ocean! The first 2 weeks we thought she had a death wish, she was running in and drowning and thought it was a great game! She's not so adventurous any more, too much salt water up the nose!

Thanksgiving was different! We don't feel like it's the Holidays, the warm weather and palm trees aren't things we have associated with Christmas time before. Driving down the rode listening to "It's beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" makes us feel like we are a little crazy! So, Thanksgiving was PB n J on the beach! And because our stuff isn't here yet. But Natalie's "friend" invited us to his families house and we got to have more traditional Turkey day food. "His" name is Dave, or "Unkl Dave" to the kids. The locals don't call elders Ms. or Mr., it's Unkl or Aunti. He was born and raised here and is really awesome. He's helping us learn the culture very quickly!

I'm going to learn how to post pictures and all that fun stuff, promise!

New "blogger"

2008-09-01T12:55:00.000-10:00

I don't think I'm a "blogger", but I thought I'd give it a try. I don't know where to start, but I figure after you get one up it's easy to do another.....so here's my first one, about......nothing :P