Day 3

All resolve is gone. Somethings going to change, one way or another. I can't stay in this place of limbo. Not sure what direction it'll be, but I'm all or nothing....so, it'll either be that I shut off totally and pack up, move on. Or, I'll fix it to the best of my abilities and make something out of nothing. God, lead my steps.

Day 2....

It's just "whatever", numb mode. Last night, after my blog, I went into "fix" mode. Going back and forth, unsure what I was doing or what I wanted. Even as things seemed to be mildly better, I was praying in the back of my head that God would not allow things to get fixed. That's pretty messed up, huh?? Actions completely conflicting what my spirit is praying...IN THE SAME MOMENT. Ugh.

And today....? More hurt, less tears, same confusion. It's the "whatever" part I guess. I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. One hour I'm going, the next hour I'm coming. Though the intense tension is gone, there's still no resolution....which is what I ultimately want, but not what I feel like I want in this moment.

Why can't this just be right?? Why can't this be ok for me, and my kids?
Onto another day.

Day One...I guess.

This sucks.


I could really just leave it at that. I don't even know why I'm here trying to come up with some coherent thoughts to share with the WWW. I guess I need to know how I'm really feeling, what I ultimately want.
I don't want to hurt, not in the here and now sense, but also in the I've-never-really-been-healed sense. I want the BEST for my children. I want to know God in a real way, I want to believe in His word and His promises. I want to walk in freedom from everything that I've done and from everything done to me. I don't want to be alone.... I want companionship. I want to be loved, to be cherished, to be respected, cared for, protected. I know God provides all this, but since I don't think anyone even reads this I'll be brutally honest, I want this from a man. Here, now, in the tangible. I want to be held at night. I don't want to sleep alone.
So, the question becomes, what do I want more and what am I willing to sacrifice to get that. I'm a "near and now" person. I think that I'm strong...but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to hold out for the bigger picture.
I think I'm doing the right thing, but it hurts like hell. The kids are hurting. My heart is in a million pieces. I'm so torn. day one....

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

I was doing so well with my blogging! Then life happened, and I didn't have anything positive to post :)
Summary.....
Joshua broke his arm about 5 weeks ago. Quite the little ordeal. He fell over the railing of the stairs, on the back porch at my brothers house. I was out for an hour and Roddy called and said josh fell and he thought maybe it was sprained. First off, just the fact that Roddy called, I knew it was bad, he's just not a worrier...at all! The fact he thought it might be sprained, I knew it was broken. So off to Loudoun we went. It was a fairly clean break, they didn't set it at the hospital, just put him in a splint and said to follow up with an orthopedist within a few days. Thankfully we didn't wait, we went Monday. The doctor couldn't believe they didn't set it, then "numbed" Joshy's arm (which consisted of A LOT of injections, too the bone) and after 20 minutes of that, which didn't even numb him, the doctor pulled, yanked, twisted, tugged, bent and turned his little arm for 30 seconds til it POPPED....very loudly. Cast went on, we went home. follow up the following Monday showed no healing whatsoever, but the bone was still intact. Next Monday the Dr said he had some how broken his arm again, while in the cast......Only Josh. He said there is a 5% chance of that happening....Of course we are the 5%. So they set him up for surgery the next AM. Placed a pin in his arm and recasted him. All the while Joelle had gotten really sick, given antibiotics for strep throat. It didn't do anything for her all week. Glands were as swollen as mini golf balls on the side of her neck. Long story short, they began testing for Lymes disease, cancer, lukemia, lupus, and mono. Initial mono test was negative so they sent us to Loudoun for labs and xrays, STAT..... talk about an emotional week! She does have mono, which to second test showed. Explains a lot, she's been so different the last couple months....because she's been sick for a few months! My puppy chewed threw my phone, internet AND cable lines.....got that back up and running! Calebs got poison ivy all over his neck and moving to his face. Cyrah has hit her mouth some many times (on her cousins head, twice! on the curb, on the steps....) that her tooth was quite loose and is now gray. Her toenail finally fell off, from IDK what injury! Cy fed my 8 month old niece some of her peanut butter....of course she is allergic and woke up from her nap looking like Will Smith from Hitch! LOL, been one of those months :)
Fun note, my girlfriend and I have begun a small business making tutus! Check out the website nikandtiff.blogspot.com it's so much fun!
Caleb leaves for Arizona next week....my baby is flying cross country without his mommy!! He's totally excited :) When he gets back, we head to OBX for a week!! A much needed break!
There's always more to write about, but the kids are quiet..... gotta shower while I can! 2 more doctor appts today, hopefully Josh gets good news about the cast coming off~sooooooon!! Keeping this kid still is a JOKE! Not to mention, he "fell" in the pool Saturday and got the cast wet....I think he purposely fell, but what can you do??

This deserves another post!!

HOLY MOLY!!! I decided to take the "50/50" class today. It's 50% cardio (30 minutes) and 50% resistance training (obviously, 30 more min.). So, I know I'm not in GREAT shape, but I mean...I'm not awful either. I definatly don't sit around all day doing nothing. I don't let much time lapse when I do fall off the workout "band wagon". Last night, I did 55 minutes of straight cardio, kept my heart rate UP, sweating, huffin and pufffin~the whole nine yards! Ok, so 30 minutes, in a class with others to keep you motivated, should be fine. BIG freakin HAHAHA!
OMGoodness. The intructor says she is going to take us up to "zone 3" which is "hard", and a few times push to "zone 4" with is "extremely hard", for brief moments.

So, we start warming up. Again, there are a bunch of women who most certainly take this class regularly and know the steps before she even switches gears. The end of "warm up", I'm feeling like I'm in the zone 3, but hanging in there, keeping up with the special little moves. However, very quickly after that, I'm feeling like I'm in this zone 4 and my heart is RACING, face is red as a tomato, sweating and panting. I'm starting to slow down, and not just my speed, but my mental capacity to do these stupid little choreographed movements. Totally looking like the uncoordinated white girl, up in the front for everyone to see. I'm honestly battling in my mind, which is worse ~ jumping around like a wounded animal or packing up and walking out in front of everyone. I convince myself that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of my ridiculous movements (IF they even notice at all), that I'm getting a good workout (from hell) and that I'll be proud of myself afterwards. I keep pushing through, doing some of her "modified" options (and still wondering why everyone else is all chipper and limber). Then she says we're going to zone 4...I'm thinking "WHAAAAAAAT?! There's NO WAY this isn't zone 4" (and get this....there's a flipping zone 5?!). Yeeeeaaaaaa, so I think I was seconds away from a stroke at the end, at the end of only THIRTY minutes! The second half, resistance, was fine. I have the muscle, but I guess smoking has really done a number on my lungs.
I'm pooped. Nap time for me :)

So sore..

I love the feeling of sore muscles :) I've been going to the gym and pushing myself....hopefully I will see the results I want...not just a "healthy heart"! The hot yoga is soooo awesome! It's a total butt-kicker, but you feel AWESOME afterwards. I also took a barbell strength class, that was intimidating. It was more then half full when I got there, 15 minutes early. Everyone had their mat, step-stool thingy, barbell with weights and hand weights. All these women knew each other and are all talking about what happened at this get-together or that one. I was ready to high tail it outta there, felt like I stepped into HS cliches! I don't know why, at 27, that was so intimidating to me. I stayed, did the class, got my butt handed to me and am very sore for it!

Caleb has his firts big field trip this Friday, going to Jamestown! He and Roddy leave at 5:30 AM! They will get back around 9PM, I'm kinda jealous....wish I could go, but there are still too many little ones at home. Saturday is Ronn's family reunions,semi-annual Atlantic City trip. The three little kids are going with grandma and grandpa for the weekend, b/c of Calebs field trip, he's going with a friend of mine on Saturday. I'm looking forward to it, should be a fun weekend :)

Trying to get myself into some kind of routine, that includes the gym and keeping the house running clean and smooth. Part of this means that the kids really need to have a chore chart. I CANNOT keep up with four kids' messes. I end up uber frustrated and constantly cleaning. Just googled "mulitple children chore charts", got a few good templates. Now I need a printer :) I am doing too much of their cleaning, and they aren't learning anything about cleaning up after themselves and I'm way too exhausted at the end of the day (not to mention, I just can't do it all). Any other suggestions?? Any good, healthy and QUICK dinner recipes?? I feel like every so often I need a new updated, schedule for life! Right now, I'm overwhelmed with it all. I want my kids to have more one-on-one time with me. I want them to help keep up with their rooms/bathroom/playroom. I want to do a better job with getting dinner done at a reasonable hour (though this conflicts with a lot of the gym classes). I want to eat healthier and be more active. I just need a life planner, and someone who can come in, organize my house and schedule and then I just have to keep up with it! I could do this so easily for someone else, but doing it for myself is such a challenge! Ugh...I needed to vent all that! Now maybe I can do something with it, since it's out of my head.

It's FRIDAY!!

I am so grateful that I'm able to do daycare, which allows me to stay home with my own babies.....HOWEVER....Friday is sooo sweet :) I then have the weekend with just MY babies, I need it and they do too. Although this weekend my goal is to find more out-of-home activites for them. So, I'm making a trip to the library to see what they offer, as well as the community center and Claude Moore Park. I can't believe that Cy will be in pre school in the fall.....I'm going to take a class, or two, at NOVA. Hoping to get my feet wet. Then next fall, Jo Jo will be in kindergarden and Cy in full week of prek, I'm going to jump in and go to school full time. Hoping that by the end of 2013 to be an RN. At that point all the kids will be in school full time :( I can do a 7-3 shift at the hospital and still not miss out on my kids. I can't believe that I'll be able to volunteer in their classes and be more involved in school functions! That's exciting!

Whelp, for today, it's naps and gym time!